Lynne Barrett-Lee

…is published by Thistle and now available as an ebook for Kindle and all Kindle apps. The second of what will eventually be a trio of concise writing handbooks, Telling Tales is a step-by-step guide to crafting short fiction of all kinds, and is based on my Cardiff University Adult Ed class of the same name.

You can read all about both it and the companion guide,NOVEL, by clicking here.

Or leap straight to Amazon and grab a copy by clicking here….

Last time on ‘Majorly Inconvenient London Breakdown’: You left us illegally parked in Hammersmith, at an arrestingly jaunty angle, following the inexplicable electrical meltdown of my car. Rob, the RAC man, had just imparted the crushing news that it wasn’t just serious – it was very, very serious, and that “lady, you’re going nowhere today”.

This week, on ‘Majorly Inconvenient London Breakdown – The Aftermath’, I offer a handy cut-out and keep guide to car breakdown management, plus a couple of key points for consideration.

DO, when waiting for the breakdown truck to arrive, try to find productive ways to pass the time. Sitting ‘with a face on’ might feel cathartic initially, but far better to do something productive, such as scraping the icky goo from around the base of the gear knob, or venturing into the glove compartment for a spot of rationalization. Why not even try to make a game of it? Score 1 point for a broken ballpoint, 2 for an aged tax disc, 3 for a pack of evaporated ‘dashboard wet wipes’ and 15 for a Werther’s Original. (With a bonus 200 if you pick the fur off and consume.)

DO try to use the equation T = Y + ¾  (where T = time of arrival and Y = estimated time of arrival) when computing if it’s safe to leave your vehicle and trek to the nearest fast food outlet. Add a further ½ if making your calculation a) on a Saturday, b) on a Sunday,  and c) if the operative at the end of the phone starts calling you ‘my love’ a lot.

DON’T forget that this only applies in the first 79 minutes of your period of incarceration. Once you get the ‘ten minutes away’ call, accept that this will mean a) 20 minutes, or b) they are there. And you are not.

DO accept that while downloading a ‘handy’ app which will track your towing vehicle’s distance from the scene of your breakdown in ‘real time’ will provide a source of fun once you’ve run out of ideas of amusing posts to put on facebook, instagram, twitter and vine, it has no basis in reality.

FURTHERMORE, DO understand that the use of Postman-Pat-style van icon in said app is part of a mind-altering algorithm installed to elicit feelings of warmth towards the driver of said truck, rather than an accurate representation of their physical location. They LIE.

DON’T forget the power of positive thinking. Saying ‘at least we got Nan to Heathrow BEFORE we broke down!’ is always a better option than saying ‘How the **** are we going to pick up dad from Heathrow tomorrow?’.

DO resist the urge to open your bonnet/owner’s manual and attempt any diagnostics yourself. Doing so might lead to dangerous complications, such as you offering a smorgasbord of mechanically impossible nonsense such as ‘I thought it might be the dynamo’ and causing you  (okay, me) to become a laughing stock.

DO wax lyrical, especially if  travelling with minors, about the joy of journeying 140 miles in the cab of a giant tow truck – paying special attention to the ‘fun’ of being all squidged in together, the ‘exciting’ atmosphere engendered by it smelling of wet dog and the ‘character building’ business of going a very, very long way very, VERY slowly, with lots of exciting and child-friendly topics of conversation up for grabs, such as ‘most recent fatal RTA I attended’ and ‘ways in which poor restraint management can catapult a Range Rover off the front/back/side of a tow truck’, which is obviously much more fun than sleeping.

And, finally, speaking of the building of character, a suggestion for a New Year’s resolution that I definitely aim to embrace.  And it is to be generally more inconvenienced. The terms ‘first world worries’ and ‘middle class problems’  are greeted with derision with good reason. I have not been so inconvenienced since around 1987, when I broke down in a far flung location, in December, with a seven foot Christmas tree, a ten month old  baby, no buggy, no coat and no mobile phone. Biology has seen to it that most of the harrowing details are now a blur, but, boy, did it focus my mind. I was only inconvenienced that time. I was only inconvenienced this time. But being inconvenienced is a reminder of how just much we take for granted. Which has to be a good thing, yes?

Happy New Year. X

Missed part one?  Click here…

…so if your new year’s resolution is to finally get that novel written, grab it for less than a quid while you can!

Got a burning desire to write a novel but don’t know where to start? If so, you’ve come to the right place. Written by bestselling novelist and creative writing tutor, Lynne Barrett-Lee, Novel: Plan it. Write it. Sell it, will teach you the skills you need to do that, step by step.

There has never been an easier time to get your work in front of readers – just look at the millions of self-published books uploaded to Amazon. But if you want success of a commercial kind – i.e. to write a novel that will sell – then you need to take the time to learn your craft. To ask yourself questions: what are the key components every novel needs? How can you make yours unputdownable? How should you approach planning? Where’s the best place to begin? How do you create memorable characters, and build effective plots and subplots? How can you use dialogue to best effect? How should you plan your chapters? How can you make it sing? Where should you end?

But going the distance as a novelist is not just about ticking boxes. Neither is it just about talent. It’s about nailing your theme, maintaining passion, about caring for your characters. It’s also about doggedness and resilience – continuing to write even when everything feels hopeless. How exactly do you find the wherewithal to go the distance with your novel? And assuming you have, how the heck do you find an agent?

Taking you right through the novel creation process and beyond, Novel aims to guide you towards the answers that will work best for you, pointing out the pitfalls that beset so many would-be novelists, and helping you to chart a course through the entire creative process. That book burning inside you – would you prefer to see it sitting in a bookshop? Then welcome – your journey starts here.

“A fantastic, supportive course: just what I needed when I was setting out to become a professional writer. Constructive advice and feedback on what I was writing, combined with practical help on negotiating the world of markets, agents and publishers. Lynne shares her successful experience generously.”
Peter Higgins
Peter Higgins’ first novel, Wolfhound Century, is published by Gollancz in the UK and Orbit in the US, and in translation in France, Germany, Poland and Finland. The sequel, Truth and Fear, comes out in early 2014.

“Before Lynne’s course, I was a revved up sports car after a three gin lunch, full of ideas, ambition and passion, but prone to crashing into a central reservation of procrastination and improbability. The content of the course was the steadying hand that transformed my desire into direction and eventual publication. I owe Lynne a lifetime of three gin lunches as thanks.”
Dan Tyte, author of ‘Half Plus Seven’, published by Parthian Books, spring 2014.

“Lynne’s classes are fun and friendly and her expertise covers many different aspects of writing. If you can’t be there in person then the chance to read her notes has to be the next best thing.”
Evonne Wareham, award-winning author of romantic suspense.

Click here to buy on Amazon….

Well, you get these ideas in your head sometimes, don’t you? This story, first written in around 1996 (jeepers) was the result of the purchase of a splendid velvet coat  (I still have it)  and some mad dream I had on holiday  in Andalucia, which I scribbled down – and it’s pretty much an accurate re-telling – as soon as I woke  up. It was published in the legendary QWF magazine that same summer and, apart from pulling it out and filing it in a poly-pocket for posterity, I’ve not so much as given it a thought since.

Till this morning, that is, when I realised it was the Dr Who half-century (like anyone could miss it), and I thought ‘I know – I’ll take some pix of it (it pre-dates all technology beyond the floppy disc) and wang it up here as my  personal homage’. Gold stars to all who can immediately recognise which incarnation I was rocking around London with that night.

It’s quite raw. This was early in my writing career. But it’s of its time. Which, as I’m sure any Timelord will tell you,  is a thing to be tampered with at one’s peril…

Lx

Cannot tell you how excited I was yesterday to log in to Amazon.com and stumble  (and it was a stumble, too) upon the frankly astounding bit of news that I was the  number one (that’s NUMBER ONE) most popular author in their Kindle biographies and memoirs category, and number 6 across all versions of  all books. Of course, I’m well aware that it’s mostly only authors  who spend any time feverishly checking such stats – tragic insecure folk that we are  –  but I make no apology for sharing as I’m just too excited. This is a career first for me, after all.

Of course it does help that  I have quite a few titles out there currently, and that I’ve had the privilege of ghosting some pretty incredible stories – so huge thanks to all my co-writers and collaborators. Not to mention my incredible agent, Andrew Lownie, and the various amazing editors I’ve worked with, and the incredible readers and, oh Lordy, I should stop right now, shouldn’t I?

Anyway, to celebrate, I did three things.

1. Had the Amazon logo tattooed on my backside.

2. Took a screenshot

3. Finally got my US Amazon Author Page done and verified.

And, yes, one of those was a lie. I had already booked the tattoo and it’s ringfenced for a column…

Anyway, here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/author/lynnebarrett-lee

As you were.

Back in August, when I published my ebook on novel-writing,NOVEL, lack of space decreed that I had to trim down and tweak, losing the planning notes alluded to in Step 4 (which can now be found a few posts back on here) and my short closing notes about books  I’d mentioned. ‘I’ll pop that on the website,’ I remember thinking/deciding/planning, and then, as is typical, I forgot.

I blame my iPhone entirely, since that’s what they were invented for, but now – hulloo hallay – I have finally remembered. So here, for your reading pleasure, it, um, is:

NOVEL: a writer’s reading list

I have mentioned several books and writers in the process of compiling NOVEL, all of which have, at some point, provided education, explanation, inspiration and consolation, during the journey I travelled to become that ‘jobbing writer’. I still have my copies of them all, mostly battered; as with people, they have become rather more crumpled with age, but none the less brilliant for all that.

How to Write a Blockbuster (and make mi££ions) by Sarah Harrison

Yes, on my early copy those Ls really were rendered as pound signs. How terribly vulgar. Or how terribly clever, along with the sentiment in the strapline. I would write for shirt buttons but, like many a writer before me, had the same financial dreams as any other ambitious young scribbler. Buying this tome, therefore, was a must. I read it in two enormous sittings (a long haul flight was involved) and once I was done, I went back to the beginning and read it again more slowly. And after I’d done that, I began writing my first novel. I can’t thank Sarah enough for penning How to Write a Blockbuster. It was the book that made me say ‘Lynne, now just go do it.’ And then I did. Track it down. I bet you’ll feel like that too.

On Writing by Stephen King

If you’ve yet to read this you are in for such a treat. Part memoir, of the author’s life, and the year following his terrible – and well documented – road accident, this is a deeply personal look into the creative process, a la King, and is, for me, at least, incredibly inspirational.

Bestseller by Celia Brayfield

If you want to indulge in some mental gymnastics and think hard about what storytelling and narrative generally is all about, this is an engrossing and thought provoking read. I found it fascinating.

Wannabe a Writer by Jane Wenham-Jones

I must own up; Jane is one of my best pals – we go back years now – and also a fabulously fresh and funny writer. No, I didn’t have this to hand when I was one of the great unpublished and, yes, I am quoted in it, so am possibly biased, but it’s jam- packed with hints, tips and illuminating anecdotes, about both writing and writers. You will laugh out loud more than once, i promise.

Also treasured, but out of print (go google; bet you’ll be able to find one) are Writers on Writing by Alison Gibbs – interviews with several of the UK and the USA’s bestselling novelists, and 20 Master Plots and How to Build Them by Ronald B Tobias – which does exactly what it says on the tin.

I would also urge every writer to beg, steal or blag their own copy of the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations – fabulous for themed browsing and, in times of scant hope or motivation, for choosing the prefect quote to go in the front of the novel that you will – oh yes you will – finally finish.

Lynne

Is it a bird? is it a plane? No, it’s a charity street guerrilla! On the unexpected benefits of saying ‘yes’ one Christmastime…

Read the column at Wales Online 26th September

See also www.worldvision.org…

…has already been taken, obviously, but if you’re a poet in search of a poetry competition, look no further. Run by my good friends at Swansea Writers Circle (dang, am in two minds about the placing of an apostrophe back there), the deadline is 30th September. What are you waiting for?

Ah, yes. Inspiration, probably  So while you wait, click here for full details.

Want to learn how to craft sensational short stories? If so, and you can get to Cardiff on Thursday mornings, there’s still time to enrol on my short story writing course, Telling Tales, which runs from 10 till noon every Thursday, starting on September 26th.

You’ll find full details by popping across to my Teaching Page, as well as further information about the venue/LEARN/enrolment by following the link there.  (As I write, I have 5 spaces left.)

Enrolment is also open for my January course, Novel Writing Workshop. Again, click on the link above for more information.

Yes, as is now becoming traditional in the starry firmament that is Kindle, to celebrate the publication of my new novel writing guide, NOVEL, I’m giving away one of my own, for a limited time only.

What would you do if you suddenly discovered that your husband had been lying to you for years?

Happily married, with two teenage sons, Alex Taylor considers herself lucky. And when she hears her childhood friend Cathy has died, she finds herself counting her blessings. She’s also surprised that she’s been left a bequest. They lost touch with one another almost twenty years ago. Why would Cathy remember her now?

She really can’t imagine but she’s about to find out, because she’s been left something else – something that changes everything. It’s a letter confessing to the two year affair Cathy had with Alex’s husband, Sam. ‘But it’s history,’ he entreats. ‘It’s long over. It meant nothing.’ Surely Alex can forgive and forget?

Should she? And can she? She’s not at all sure. But it looks like she won’t be allowed to. Because it seems Cathy’s left them a third thing as well. A teenage daughter. Who wants to come and find her father.

The Moon Under Water is a novel about secrets, and the ripples that spread when they are suddenly exposed. It’s also about how betrayal not only re-writes the past – it has the power to also re-write the future…

Grab on Kindle right now